so i’d like to start out by saying the following message is going to be pretty long, so feel free to skip where you think i’m talking about you (“to the people who i’ve” will be bolded to make it easier, though you can read the entire thing if you’d like) WOW IT’S REALLY LONG PLEASE DON’T HATE ME I’M GOING TO CRY! don’t hate me
people don’t come easy for me. i’m pretty detached most times to multiple things. a lot of people think that because i’m emotional it means i feel a lot about a lot of things. but that isn’t really true. when i get emotional it normally has nothing to do with you even if it feels like it does to me and to you, but it’s more about me. and the feelings are normally “in general” rather than directly pertaining to you. my anxiety isn’t the worst horror story you’ve ever seen, but it’s enough to make things difficult. i’ve fainted giving a class presentation once because i forgot to breathe, i mean, yeah. i forgot to breathe i’m so dumb
i didn’t have a best friend until i was in the fifth grade, and even then we literally fought every single day. it’s better now. i’m better. i can handle people who i get to see because i get to see them. you people on the internet are different. i never anticipated this kind of socializing when i was learning how to play with other kids, you know? i don’t get to see you or feel you or touch you. i don’t get to see your face and think “okay my rambling isn’t annoying them” or “okay they actually want to be here with me and not somewhere better”, you know? i kind of second guess myself all the time. i haven’t liked someone in awhile until recently so i’m a bit rusty on that front. i mean, i thought i’ve liked people, but it always turned out to be just a pretty strong friendship. i’m not good at deciphering. but i don’t think i’ve had legitimate romantic feelings for someone since i was 15 until you (you know who you are, but just keep reading k. thanks)
i get stressed very easily when it comes to people and not because i like people and i want them to like me, but because i have no earthly idea what the fuck i’m doing, you know? and also because i get annoyed by most people really easily and i tend to get really snappy and rude. i’m basically a bitch and you can ask anyone who knows me in real life. i’m 23 years old, but i’m really, really new to this. i thought being friends with people on the internet would be easy, but it hurts exactly the same when they leave as the people i get to see in real life. i’m a m e s s i grew up teaching myself how to get over my own anxiety because i didn’t want to be weird and i didn’t want to be a failure. i think i’m pretty okay now. i’m charismatic at work. i’m loud and kinda funny, i guess. i’m sociable even though it exhausts me and i get irritated pretty easily. but i have my ups and downs. i’m learning to work through it.
let me stop rambling before i lose you
to the people i’ve “ignored” or forgotten or don’t speak to nearly as often as i should i’m not ignoring you. i get distracted and i forget. i always do that. i still love you and i still cherish you. so please come to me. yell at me. accuse me of not caring. i promise i’ll set you straight and do my best to fix it. if i have ever made conversation with you on multiple occasions i can assure you i consider you a friend and that i appreciate everything we’ve ever talked about. i want you in my life and i probably need you more than you know. and i miss you. and you’re beautiful and special and perfect and i’ll always need you
to the people i’ve gotten too attached to far too quickly i’m so sorry. the moment i meet someone who thinks like me or i feel comfortable with instantaneously i kind of go crazy about them. it’s not every day that i meet someone i just feel comfortable with. and it’s a really bad thing because it’s always the same. all of our conversations are “me too” “i’m the same way” “i agree” “we’re pretty much the same person” etc, and then the more we talk the more i love you, the more i feel like i’m annoying you. the moment that happens i panic. because losing people is my greatest fear. i’ve lost so many friends and it breaks my heart the same every time. the thing about not being face to face is i can’t read you and tell if i actually have to pull back. so please if i annoy you just let me know. and i’m so sorry if i’ve ever gotten too attached to you too quickly.
to the people whose hearts i’ve broken don’t hate me. i don’t think you do, but i don’t feel any less awful none-the-less. you’re beautiful inside and out and i’ll never stop telling you. if i don’t like you that doesn’t mean anything. i think i’m a “learn to like you” kind of person. and that isn’t a bad thing, i think it just takes me longer to develop feelings than most people i just wouldn’t know exactly how long because no one ever sticks around long enough. we’ll see what the future brings
and ashley. you get an entire section to yourself because if i haven’t already, i’m sure every last one of these things will be applied to you in the future on some level. probably not as strong as other people, but enough to where i’d still like to apologize. you’re my best friend. my better half. the love of my life. my soul mate. my everything. and i know there are times where i’ve made you down right terrified for my life because i’ve kind of just gone off the deep end and i seriously, seriously want to thank you for always being there to pull me back. without you, i don’t know where i’d be and i don’t think anyone understands as much as you. you’re the light to everything bad in my life and i love you more than anything. please never leave me because i don’t know what i’d do with myself if i didn’t have you there to keep me whole and to make me feel like myself when i don’t even feel like i’m alive. you’re truly the most beautiful person i’ve ever had the pleasure of knowing. i just want to kiss your face all over and there’s nothing you can do to stop it. not that you’d want to, of course
!!!!!!!!!!!!!*********** dlughfshn ;oHOUFHDSGJ DIRECT YOUR ATTENTION HERE FOR SURE GUYS::::::::::::
i just need you guys to hang in there, you know? i think i’m going through something right now if you haven’t fucking noticed i mean jesus if this post didn’t give it away idk what would. i mean, i linked it because that pretty much sums up how i feel. how i feel a lot. i get really good and then i get really bad. but!!!!!!!! listen. i have a fantastic job and for the first time in my life i’m being social. cierra was my bff in fifth grade. and then i had other friends. i had great friends in high school. but it was school with them and then home with myself. or choir practice. i’m just now getting a social life that gets me out of my house and doesn’t require having a grand total of one person at random points in my life that i can tolerate staying with for more than 12 hours and actually stay the night with them and shit.
i’m getting better.
i just need you guys to not give up on me. because i know some of you i haven’t spoke to an awful lot, but i love you. and you may not know it. but i need the small amount of friendship that we have. because chances are, if i’ve tagged you, i want you stay in my life
alexa, andy. you’re also among my bestest of friends. so even if sometimes i don’t act like it. i love you and i can’t wait to get to be around you. and andy, maybe one day we’ll get our rastabanana huh? alexa, i still love your clavicles *u*